May 11, 2012

That moment...

Today's blog is inspired by the Mama Kat's Writer's Workshop:

Happy almost Mother’s Day! Share a parenting moment where you really began to realize what this mothering thing is all about.
Everyone has a different story about how the KNEW they were a mother.  A true sense of the word.  People define it in many terms and with different degrees of emotion.  I have a slew of moments this occurred.  Like the time the nurse told me I was swaddling Thing One wrong.  What a a few of us experience though is much different than our counterparts that are married.  It is called the "Single Mom" moment. 

 Big Cheese and I had been apart since Thing Two was 4 weeks old.  There I was, trying to breast feed a newborn and ripping her off my breast to go rescue Thing One from falling off a couch he had climbed.  I cried on the floor  along with my babies that morning.  Not just from the burning pain in my breast, but because I was alone with two very young children.  It felt surreal, because my plan never included being alone.  Yet there I was crying along with both of my babies wondering if I would ever get through this moment.  I vowed never to be alone with them.  Mami was always there to help out with Thing One.  She kept him entertained while I breast fed, or focused attention on my very newborn Thing Two. When venturing out I always had a friend, a family member, or Mami to help when Thing One would wander off aimlessly as I tried to put Thing Two in her car seat.   

August 2009, was when Thing One turned two.  He had been watching Nick Jr. and a song about the beach came on.  He was hyper focused and would talk incessantly about the beach and how he wanted to go. A mother will do anything for her children who was I to say no. On his birthday I planned to take him to a local beach that was kid friendly called "mother's beach".  It is more of a bay than anything, but they have life guards, and plenty of play things for small children.  I asked Mami to go with me, but she has never been a lover of walking in sand and her mobility was a concern to her.  It was a weekday, which meant all of my friends were working.  Only one thing to do at that point, go with the children by myself.

I packed up the car, planned every minute of that day.  How do I keep them safe?  What if something happens, what is my plan of action?  Self talk that came up a lot: "Breathe, you can do this, it is what Thing One has been looking forward to". 

There were moments in the day when I thought I was going to lose it. Like when Thing Two toppled over in the sand while sitting and got it in her face. In the mad rush to wash her off, Thing One decided to throw a tantrum and not want to go to the water. I must have looked like a mad woman dragging a screaming toddler and carrying a crying baby. Then there was the moment that while in the water Thing One slipped under the shallow water and I couldn’t get his little hand fast enough to pull him up. The look on his face was of fear and relief at the same time. I recognized that look on him because that is how I  had felt most days since Big Cheese had been gone.

Woo Hoo! Let's hear it for tantrums!:

At the end of the day I had a happy Thing One and we all survived our first outing with just the three of us. When I sat down and thought of it all I realized I could do this single mom thing.  Is it hard? By all means YES!  Could I do this alone? YES!

When your a mother, there is no time to fear or to doubt.  Sometimes you just have to face those fears that lay inside your mind and do what your heart is telling you to do for those you love the most.  It means sacrificing and growing.  That day I knew that despite my support system, I could raise these children and that all would be ok, even if it didn't seem like it at that moment. 

I am glad I went through that moment to become a better mother, and to tackle my fears. Since then The Things and I have gone on to many adventures together, just the three of us. No more crying on the floor.

The joy that will forever be burned in my head that day:

Happy Mothers day to all my fearless moms.

What was your "mom" moment?

Inspiring me to write my life story:
Mama’s Losin’ It

May 7, 2012

First Heart Break

You know in life you always have that first heart break.  It never crossed my mind that Thing Two would experience it from the one man who should carry her heart like a delicate piece of china. Big Cheese broke her heart this weekend and I want to tear his apart for making her feel like that. 
I am typing this with bags and dark circles under my eyes. My heart breaks for my baby girl.  Saturday was her big day.  She got her first ever trophy that day. Big Cheese, no where in sight.  Las Vegas to be precise on his location.  I had a huge discussion with him about this decision. Big Cheese had known about this big day since January when the soccer schedules were given.  I would have seen it as a mere over sight had it not been for the fact that he never backed out of going. 

To top it off, it was his weekend with the Things.  He actually called me to cover for him so that he could go and he would take the next two weekends to be with the children.  I just couldn't believe he was going to miss her big day.  When I reminded him of the day and that I would cover if he still wanted to go, he said "Thanks".  I felt the blood heat up under my skin.  In my head "Thanks" was a brush off of what this would do to my little dolls heart.  I just answered "No need to Thank me, you will need to explain to the Things why you were not there".  Of course I got no answer.

Lately we haven't been seeing eye to eye on things, and this just exacerbated those feelings. He had already let our children witness their father get into my face and yell and call me names in public.  Their little hearts were suffering and all I wanted was some kind of normal for them.  We argued once more before he left.  Big Cheese thought I was just upset because he was going to Las Vegas.  This wasn't like the times before, I wasn't concerned about our family, this time it was our children.   It was a big day, a moment that is fleeting.  It will never be her first trophy ever again.  Las Vegas will always be there, but this moment is gone.  Thing Two now holds the memory of her father being absent from that moment.

You must think by now "Well she is three, she can't possibly remember anything".  All day on Saturday we were busy, happy, or so I thought.  I saw a glimpse of her searching the crowd when she got the trophy, a slight sad look.  I just left it alone, hoping it was just me that saw that look.  Sunday morning as we ate breakfast with no one but her and I eating at the table she uttered the phrase I long feared would come sooner or later, "Mommy, Daddy wasn't at my banquet.  It made me sad.  Zoe had her daddy there".  Her face was sullen and her eyes watered and filled with salty tears that I kissed away for her.  It's all I could do.  I couldn't discount those feelings.  Her little heart was broken. 

Times like these I wish he could see what he does by some of his actions.  The same actions that made me walk away from him. Only this time it was not a 39 year old woman who's heart he broke, it was a three year old sweet vivacious little girl who's heart he broke. 

I was so sad and mad.  Mad that he had the ability to chose his own interest over his children.  How does one make things better?  I don't know, but I am going to try my best to be there and to help both my children heal from all this.  I just hope the happy feelings out weigh those that reside in her heart at this moment.

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