March 7, 2012

Mama Kat's World Famous Writer's Workshop: Phobia re-visited

Mama Kat's World Famous Writers workshop had a prompt that I couldn't avoid.  It was recent and fresh and I had to share:  A case of the nerves! When was the last time you had them and how did you get through it?

Sweaty, a slight tremble in my hands, eyes wide open, heart pounding, and a nervous smile. That is what happens when I see a dog coming towards me. It doesn’t matter the size, the breed, how friendly they are, or even how much they are barking at me.  I have over come the screaming and running the opposite direction, phase of this fear. Although in my head I am doing JUST THAT.  My dad helped me overcome that side of my phobia when I helped raise a dog from a puppy at the age of 10.  Still, in the back of my illogical head I want to run and scream. It makes for tense forced feelings inside that do not manifest themselves outwardly, but that I suffer silently in my mad head.  Or am I really that illogical in my dog phobia?  I mean after all I still vividly remember the day our little Chihuahua “Ronnie” bit my big toe while I was playing with him outside.  I was 3 years old, and I still remember. 

Flash forward to Monday, March 12, 2012. Thing Two is three years old and loves and adores dogs, particularly the small non-threatening type.  I have always told her that not all dogs are to be approached and played with, and specifically not to pull ears or tails.  I haven’t wanted to scare what is natural for her to love dogs and be around them because of my fears.  So this day in particular was tense, nerve racking and exhausting as any day I have had. 
I was picking up the children from the baby sitter and I was talking to the sitter as Thing One was finishing up his dinner.  The sitter was telling me what a great day they were having and that my daughter was in the backyard with her husband and her grandchild.  That is when I heard it.  The scream that sent chills through out my body.  I ran outside only to see Thing Two’s cherub like face covered in blood.  I could see a gaping hole on her top lip.  “MOMMY, the DOGGY HURT ME”  I knew the sitter’s dog had bit her.  All at once I felt her pain, her panic, and my adrenalin propelled nerves were set in.  From the moment I scooped her up and got to the ER two blocks down the street is a blur.  I know we got there in a matter of seconds and there are about 2 lights to get there, so I can only imagine what I did.  
Once in the ER it was standing room only. Thing Two was screaming and screaming and saying it hurt.  I wanted to cry with her.  As a parent it pains you to see your flesh and blood in a terrible situation, you want to make it better.  I knew if I did lose it, it would not help her.  I just repeated to myself everything is ok, it is in God’s hands now.  Standing in line to get checked in a child around her age handed her a small toy that was apparently just purchased in those little coin machines.  He said “It’s ok”.  Watching that transpire was like a sign to keep cool and it would be okay.
We were triaged and I waited outside the ER room so as not to make everyone else nervous with Thing Two’s cries.  I cleaned us both up from the blood that was on us and sat and sang to her.  It was really to soothe both of us.  As we sat there I watched ambulance come and go.  One ambulance was taking a child on a breathing machine to another hospital. Another brought a man with chest pain gasping and grasping his arm.  I rocked and sang and Thing Two was soothed and she even fell asleep for a bit.  In that moment I knew it would be ok.  My child was safe in my arms and she wasn’t in a life or death situation.  She was alive and we could get this fixed.  I thought of the parents of that child who was rolled out to another hospital and to the family of the man being brought in. 
Was the whole even nerve racking? Oh YES!  It was ten times worse when I had to watch Thing Two being restrained and get stitches on her pretty upper lip and here her scream “Why, Why, Why??!!”
I had to hold it together for her, for her dad who was pacing outside the ER room, for me.  So once the stitches and medication had been given and we were alone at home in bed, I cried.  I let all the tension and hurt out. 

I hope she can erase that fearful moment in her head.  I hope she is more resilient than I was.  I hope that the only scar she will carry will be the one on the top of her lip and not in her psyche.  That is what you do as a parent.  You never let them know that you too were scared.  You after all are their protector, the one that keeps them knowing that everything will be safe and normal. 

What feelings have you set aside for the sake of your child's well being?

As always today's fab post brought to you with the help of:

Mama’s Losin’ It
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