February 18, 2011

Flashback Friday - Analyzing the Marriage/child decision...AGAIN

What is Flashback Friday?  Well since parenthood for me started way before this blog.  I blogged a lot in various places like Myspace, Babycenter Community, and Facebook.  For you to better understand where I come from I have decided to bring those blogs back on Fridays.  I want to be able to relate to all of you that may be going through something similar and let you know you are not alone in your feelings. I will apologize ahead of time, this is the raw stuff before I started getting better at expressing myself via blogs.  Enjoy my friends.

March 6, 2006 - This is the blog where I am like Marissa Tomei in "My Cousin Vinny" 

 Things did not quite work out as I had hoped in this blog.

So as much as I deny it, it feels good to have a little one snuggle with you. My cousin's little girl snuggled with me and she was snoozing away. I held her at a family party as her parents ate dinner. They didn't want to just leave her on the couch to sleep. I offered to hold her. So this is where my story begins.
I always had planned on having kids. Never happened with the ex-husband because, well for one reason or another he just couldn't have kids. It still remains a big mystery, he never included me in on what was going on, which is probably a big reason why we are not together today. So forward to know, I'm 35.

Yes, you heard it

I don't remember what happened, but dang...Hello 30-35! It's a blur. I spent it with someone who I thought I might have a family with, maybe even do the married thing. Yeah, I'm a sucker for pain!
So that clearly never happened or else I would be here telling you guys that yeah married life is a pain, and the kids drive me up the wall, but I'm happy. So now comes the decisions. I made a decision to not have children, and that was after thinking and thinking and thinking. (a whole lot of thinking)

I asked myself questions like, would you be willing to take that risk at 35 to have a child, would you be able to do it without being married, or having the father of the child around? So when I answered, I don't want to be the oldest mom in the school parking lot, I know what that's like. I don't want to be the one to tell my child, yeah I don't know why your daddy isn't around, I know what that's like. I don't want to explain to my child that oh yeah daddy lives with so and so and I live here with so and so, but your our love and blah blah blah... it just didn't work for me.

For me I wasn't willing to settle to bring a child into this world and not have a happy marriage. It just goes hand in hand for me. I know, how conservative is that coming from a liberal person?! I guess deep down inside those are the things I really wanted and now I find that just a memory.

But let me tell you when I felt that little girl all snuggled on me, it made me just feel like ...oh what the hell have a kid on your own! Any donors? LOL Like I said, I'm all screwed up! Deep down, I'm still going to end up thinking about it and going...Nope shouldn't do it.
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