April 13, 2010

Single Awareness Day

Saturday was a very interesting day for me.  The family was celebrating my grandmother's 88th birthday and my aunt's 60th and 65th birthday.  I haven't seen a lot of family members since having Thing Two and splitting from Big Cheese.  So in a way this was my own coming out party.

I was dreading it all day before going.  I guess in a way it makes me uncomfortable to have to explain that yes, I am a single mom.  I am the last of all the cousins my age to have kids, most of them have teenagers now.  So to top it off my kids were the babies and all eyes were on them.  Most days I don't mind being the center of attention but that day was one I was dreading.

The time came closer and Mami, The Things, and I headed over to the long trek of getting to the party.  It was about an hour away, but it felt like it was longer.  Why was I so anxious?  I guess it stems back to my fantasy of having a family unit that involved a mother and father, and children.  It probably was also because I didn't feel like hearing the questions "Why?, What happened?, Are you ok?"  UGH! Did I really want to answer all those questions. 

I am just now getting comfortable with just being me and the kids. Some days I admit I have a huge hole in my heart that I can't give my children what they deserve, a whole family.  Other days I get frustrated at not having a partner to lean on when both kids are sick or fussy, or just plain honorary and testing boundaries.  I am the sole person involved in disciplining them.  Big Cheese is good about doing it when he has the kids with him, but it's not the same as when there are the same rules and the same household.   I often feel very alone in raising the two of my Things.  I love them, and that's what get's me through the day most of the time.  Especially when Thing One comes over randomly and says "kiss mama" and plants a big one.  Thing Two makes it special when she just wants to cuddle with me and nothing else in the world will do for her at that time. 

I had to reflect on those times with Things One and Two to get me through the whole, "Yes, I'm a single Mom.  No, It didn't work out.  I am fine and so are the kids. Yes, he is involved with them, and I am ok with that".  After all the chatting with family members briefly with no details, I felt like a whole bunch of weight was lifted off my shoulders. 

It is always tough to admit to family that not all is right in your world.  It's also not an easy thing to do single parenting, but I'm glad that it's out and that all are supportive.  I will always have fears as a parent, especially a single parent I just need to learn to accept my circumstances and let people in to help on occasion and to move ahead with Thing One and Thing Two because they deserves so much. :)   <3
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